Careers, 2.0
As mentioned in our first post, two of the most common questions we receive are:
Are you going for work?
and
What will you do there?
It’s a very American thing, to define oneself by one’s employment status. “What do you do (for a living)?” is an exceedingly common icebreaker question in social settings in the U.S. Though it may be frequently heard, many people dread answering that question, like the stay-at-home mom who feels othered by it or the highly paid professional who is simply making small talk with the cashier who earns minimum wage.
We are so much more than our careers, which is well understood outside the U.S. You might find that a European tells you he cycles, or collects art, or enjoys reading when asked what he “does.” In Maori culture, an introduction (mihi) starts with a greeting, describes one’s ancestry/genealogy and connection to the land, acknowledges people and places of significance, and closes with gratitude.
Mom failed miserably with her first mihi, primarily listing her professional accomplishments before the interview committee members went on to describe their country of origin or family life. Historically, she is very American this way, finding joy and a sense of purpose in her career as a physician. Our decision to move to New Zealand required a year of debate before she was willing to give up her dream job in exchange for a dream life.
Dad, on the other hand, has always first defined himself by his relationships. He is a father, brother, husband and son. He was never one to say “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.” Rather, he did the work that he enjoyed or was needed at different times in his life. He has built bridges and houses, worked on whale watching and fishing boats, managed a financial office, and built a successful law practice.
While Mom struggles with letting go of her own sense of identity as a pediatric anesthesiologist in taking a job with minimal pediatric patients, Dad battles his subconscious adoption of the historical expectation that men should provide for their family members. He sold his law practice to his partners and plans to support his family in the home as we transition into a new life. That doesn’t feel like enough, though, when others ask
What will you do there?
In fact, his role will be the most important one: being the steady presence for our children in a world turned upside down, nourishing our family, fixing or building a home for us, and strengthening social relationships. Over time, he may find that he wants to do more outside the home and that there is a need in the community for his skills, in which case he’ll pursue those options then. Most importantly, though, he will be a father, brother, husband and son.
You still write beautifully, my dear.